Jerry: Can you draw one of your pictures for my wife? I want to give it to her on Valentine's Day.
[Valentine's Day] Me: Here you go.
Jerry: Dude. The fuck man? I can't give her that.
Me: Yeah, I know.
Jerry: Fuck...I was depending on this.
Me: Shit, I'm sorry man.
Me: Can I still get that $200?
"Invitation to an Art Show"
This is my most technical piece to date. You’ll notice six unique shades of brown hair. There aren’t even six unique browns in Crayola’s 24 pack of colored pencils so you do the math.
"The Midlife Crisis Tour"
Fresh off a divorce, Alex converted a yellow school bus into an RV and we drove it to Mexico then into the desert because sometimes you have to take a friend to the middle of the nowhere and take hallucinogens. LeVar Burton taught me that.
"We're Still Friends, Right?"
Becca: Ooo can you turn this into one of your drawings?
Two days later.
Matt: Think you could 'like' it?
Becca: I don't like it.
Matt: But maybe just like it.
Becca: I hate it.
"The Big One"
At 40x20, this took me a really long time and cost me three peach colored pencils and gave me a crick in my neck. That’s all I have to say about that.
"Her Name is Kaia"
Kaia: Hi Matt. Gabby showed me your picture. You know I don’t want to be mentioned in the post.
Matt: It sounds like you don’t like it.
Kaia: Yeah, I don’t.
Matt: I just traced the lines.
Kaia: I don’t have that many creases on my face, Matt.
Matt: The lines don’t lie.
Kaia: Your picture’s terrible.
Matt: Well, it’s your picture.
Kaia: Just take it down.
Hey Pack, when I was over the other night I noticed the picture I took down and replaced with my portrait of you is back up on the wall, and my drawing is nowhere to be found. Just want to make sure it's OK. That shirt took me hours. Concerned, Matt
You are witnessing the most badass cat to ever insist on treats as a meal. Tony doesn’t give a fuck. While most cats go to the bathroom in a kitty litter, Tony sits in the sand and poops off the side because why the fuck wouldn’t he?
This piece marks an evolution in my work. Not only does it merge my human and animal pieces, but you’ll notice 19 unique types of trees in the background and an assortment of wildlife. I pretty much nailed it.
Kavita: Please don't turn this into one of your terrible drawings.
Two days later.
Kavita: I'm pretty offended.
Tutul: I look like Tiger Woods.
Victoria: What happened to my nose?
Sometimes One Thousand Birds look like two people who don't resemble birds in the traditional sense but when you look closely they have bird-like qualities.